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The script came from Monty Python's PythoNet. Sounds came from Monty Python's Flying Circus In Australia, Linus the Llama's Virtual Camelot, and Another Monty Python Page.
SIT ON MY FACE
Music traditional (sorta), words by Eric Idle
Sung by the Pythons
[brass band music, loud and bombastic]
Sit on my face and tell me that you love me
I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you too
I love to hear you oralise
When I'm between your thighs
You blow me away!
Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you
I'll sit on your face and then I'll love you truly
Life can be fine if we both sixty-nine
If we sit on our faces
In all sorts of places
And play till we're blown away!
ANNOUNCEMENT
By Eric Idle
This record has been skillfully crafted by British comedians using ancient, well-worn, classical hand-tooled jokes. It has been specially designed to sit at the back of your record collection amongst the old Frank Sinatra albums, to be brought out and spit up when you get divorced. Any complaints about the humorous quality of this record should be addressed to British Airways, Ingraham's Drive, Reddich.
HENRY KISSINGER
Written and sung by Eric Idle
[old-style, jazzy, crackly vocals]
Henry Kissinger
How I'm missing yer
You're the Doctor of my dreams
With your crinkly hair and your glassy stare
And your machiavellian schemes
I know they say that you are very vain
And short and fat and pushy but at least you're not insane
Henry Kissinger
How I'm missing yer
And wishing you were here
Henry Kissinger
How I'm missing yer
You're so chubby and so neat
With your funny clothes and your squishy nose
You're like a German parakeet
All right so people say that you don't care
But you've got nicer legs than Hitler
And bigger tits than Cher
Henry Kissinger
How I'm missing yer
And wishing you were here
STRING
With John Cleese and Eric Idle
[door opening]
Adrian Wapcaplet: Aah, come in, come in, Mr... Simpson. Aaah, welcome to Mousebat, Follicle, Goosecreature, Ampersand, Spong, Wapcaplet, Looseliver, Vendetta and Prang!
Mr. Simpson: Thank you.
Wapcaplet: Do sit down--my name's Wapcaplet, Adrian Wapcaplet...
Mr. Simpson: how'd'y'do.
Wapcaplet: Now, Mr. Simpson... Simpson, Simpson... French, is it?
S: No.
W: Ah. Now, I understand you want us to advertise your washing powder.
S: String.
W: String, washing powder, what's the difference. We can sell anything.
S: Good. Well I have this large quantity of string, a hundred and twenty- two thousand *miles* of it to be exact, which I inherited, and I thought if I advertised it --
W: Of course! A national campaign. Useful stuff, string, no trouble there.
S: Ah, but there's a snag, you see. Due to bad planning, the hundred and twenty-two thousand miles is in three inch lengths. So it's not very useful.
W: Well, that's our selling point! "SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL STRINGETTES!"
S: What?
W: "The NOW String! Ready cut, easy to handle, SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL EMPEROR STRINGETTES - just the right length!"
S: For what?
W: Um... "A Million Household Uses!"
S: Such as?
W: Uhmm...Tying up very small parcels, attatching notes to pigeons' legs, uh, destroying household pests...
S: Destroying household pests?! How?
W: Well, if they're bigger than a mouse, you can strangle them with it, and if they're smaller then you flog them to death with it!
S: Well surely!...
W: "Destroy 99% of known household pests with pre-sliced, rustproof, easy-to-handle, low-calorie SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL EMPEROR STRINGETTES, free from artificial coloring, as used in hospitals!"
S: Hospitals??
W: Have you ever in a hospital where they didn't have string?
S: No, but it's only *string*!
W: ONLY STRING? It's everything! It's... it's waterproof!
S: No it isn't!
W: All right, it's water resistant then!
S: It isn't!
W: All right, it's water absorbent! It's... Super Absorbent String! "Absorb water today with SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL WATER ABSORB-A-TEX STRINGETTES! Away with floods!"
S: You just said it was waterproof!
W: "Away with the dull drudgery of workaday tidal waves! Use SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL FLOOD PREVENTERS!"
S: You're mad!
W: Shut up, shut up, shut up, sex, sex, sex, must get sex into it. Wait, I see a television commercial - There's this nude woman, in a bath, holding a bit of your string. That's great, great, but we need a doctor, got to have a medical opinion. There's a nude woman, in a bath, with a doctor - that's too sexy. Put an archbishop there watching them, that'll take the curse off it. Now, we need children and animals. There's two kids admiring the string, and a dog admiring the archbishop who's blessing the string. Uh... international flavor's missing ... make the archbishop Greek Orthodox. Why not Archbishop Macarios? No, no, he's dead.... Nevermind, we'll get his brother, it'll be cheaper... So, there's Archbishop Macarios' brother and a-a doctor in this bath with this nude woman....
NEVER BE RUDE TO AN ARAB
A Plea for Peace and Tolerance (in a World of Loonies)
Written and sung by Terry Jones
[pleasant wafting flutes, as to introduce an aria]
Never be rude to an Arab
An Israeli, or Saudi, or Jew
Never be rude to an Irishman
No matter what you do
Never poke fun at a Nigger
A Spic, or a Wop, or a Kraut
And never put down -
(EXPLOSION)
I LIKE CHINESE
Written and sung by Eric Idle
[spoken]
The world today seems absolutely crackers.
With nuclear bombs to blow us all sky high.
There's fools and idiots sitting on the trigger.
It's depressing, and it's senseless, and that's why...
[song begins]
I like Chinese
I like Chinese
They only come up to your knees
Yet they're always friendly and they're ready to please
I like Chinese (*pop*)
I like Chinese (drink filling in glass)
There's 900 million of them in the world today
You'd better learn to like them, that's what I say
I like Chinese
I like Chinese
They come from a long way overseas
But they're cute, and they're cuddly, and they're ready to please
I like Chinese food
The waiters never are rude
Think of the many things they've done to impress
There's Maoism, Taoism, I Ching, and Chess
So I like Chinese (chopsticks in background)
I like Chinese
I like their tiny little trees
Their Zen, their ping-pong, their yin and yang-ese
I like Chinese thought
The wisdom that Confucious taught
If Darwin is anything to shout about
The Chinese will survive us all without any doubt
So I like Chinese
I like Chinese
They only come up to your knees
Yet they're wise, and they're witty, and they're ready to please
All together:
(In Chinese:)
Wo ai Zhongguoren
Wo ai Zhongguoren
Wo ai Zhongguoren
Ni hao ma
Ni hao ma
Ni hao ma zhaijen!
I like Chinese
I like Chinese
Their food is guaranteed to please
A fourteen, a seven, a nine, and lychees (*ding*)
I like Chinese
I like Chinese
I like their tiny little trees
Their Zen, their ping-pong, their yin and yang-ese
I like Chinese
I like Chinese
They only come up to your knees... (fade out)
BISHOP (AN ADVERTISEMENT)
Starring Michael Palin as "The Bishop"
[Spacey, atmospheric chords.]
Bishop: It is the dawn of time. This earth we know so well is a smoldering, inhospitable wilderness. No plants grow. No creature can survive. The hard, implacable rocks that form our mountain ranges are being crushed and folded by forces which will take millions of years to shape them. These are the forces ... this is the power ... that drives the hand ... that drinks TREADMILL, the MIGHTY LAGER, with the world's first great taste of fish.
[Music dies out]
Engineer [EI]: Bishop, don't say 'of fish.'
B: Hm?
E: Don't say 'of fish' at the end, it doesn't mean anything.
B: Ah, no, I see, fine, no 'of fish,' right?
E: Just go from 'These are the forces.'
B: Right.
E: I'll give you a green.
B: What?
E: I'll give you a green light.
B: Oh. R-right. Thank you.
[Music sets in again]
These are the forces ... this is the power ... that drives the band ...
[music dies out]
...that drinks...
E: Ahem.
B: Oh- oh, of course, sorry, sorry! Can't think what came over me.
E: We'll start again.
B: What?
E: We'll start again, Bishop, same place.
B: Oh -- right!
[music]
These are the forces ... this is the power ... that drives the hand ... that drinks TREADMILL, the MIGHTY LAGER, with the world's first great taste of fish. [music dies out] Ooh, damn! Sorry! Sorry!
E: All right, just a moment.
B: I'm terribly sorry, I remembered the 'hand,' but forgot the...
E: Yes, yes, that's all right. John, can we edit out the 'of fish?'
John [GC]: Yeah.
E: Good. That's fine, thank you Bishop.
B: All right, is it? Good. Terribly sorry about the silly slip, I don't know what came over me.
[in next room]
E: Who is he?
J: Bishop of Leicester, I think.
E: Well, why couldn't we get Bath-and-Wells?
J: He's doing 'Frozen Peas' for Nigel.
E: Lucky bastard, he's so good.
J: Have you seen the Bishop of Wooster? Marvelous, he did an entire 'Snippety-Dippety Gift Catalogue' promo on one ski!
E: Really?
J: Ssh!
E: Here she comes.
[door opening]
B: How was it, all right?
E: Marvelous.
J: E-excellent.
B: Dawn of Time's a bit of a mess...
E: Sorry?
B: Well, all that stuff about the 'Dawn of Time' and th-the rocks ... developing over millions of years, you know, not quite... A-1 theory with our lot, you know.
E: It's only a commercial.
B: Ooh, yes, yes, 'course, 'course, not criticizing! It's just, um, well, I mean, uh, uh... not quite the creation as... we see it.
E: Well... goodbye.
B: Good, good, fine, and, um, and, ah, the check will be...?
E: With your agent on tuesday, Bishop.
B: Marvelous, marvelous, thank you so much. Oh, and, ah, sorry about the 'of fish.' ...Will you be able to remove that, will you?
E: Yes, we can remove that.
B: Oh, good. Wonderful what you can do nowadays, eh?
E: Yes, indeed.
[longish pause]
B: Mm, well! Toodles...
[Door closes]
Employee (JC): Ahem... the doctors are here, Senor Barrasby.
Senor Barrasby (TJ): Oh. Terrific...
MEDICAL LOVE SONG
Music by E. Idle and J. Du Prez, words by G. Chapman and E. Idle
Sung by Graham Chapman and company
Inflammation of the foreskin
Reminds me of your smile
I've had ballanital chancroids
For quite a little while
I gave my heart to NSU
That lovely night in June
I ache for you, my darling,
And I hope you'll get well soon...
My penile warts, your herpes,
My syphilitic sores,
Your moenelial infection
How I miss you more and more
Your dobie's itch, my scrumpox
Our lovely gonorrhea
At least we both were lying
When we said that we were clear
Our syphilitic kisses
Sealed the secret of our tryst
You gave me scrotal pustules
With a quick flick of your wrist
Your trichovaginitis
Sends shivers down my spine
I got snail tracks in my anus
When your spirochetes met mine
Gonococcal urethritis
Streptococcal balanitis
Meningo myelitis
Diplococcal cephalitis
Epidydimitis
Interstitial keratitis
Syphilitic choroiditis
And anterior u-ve-i-tis.
My clapped-out genitalia
Is not so bad for me
As the complete and utter failure
Every time I try to pee
My doctor says my buboes
Are the worst he's ever seen
My scrotum's painted orange
And my balls are turning green
My heart is very tender
Though my parts are awful raw
You might have been infected
But you never were a bore
I'm dying from your love, my love,
I'm your spirochaetal clown
I've left my body to science,
But I'm afraid they've turned it down
Gonococcal urethritis
Streptococcal balanitis
Meningo myelitis
Diplococcal cephalitis
Epidydimitis
Interstitial keratitis
Syphilitic choroiditis
And anterior u-ve-i-tis...
A FAREWELL TO JOHN DENVER
Announcer [GC]: And now, the sound of John Denver being strangled.
[The opening chords of "Annie's Song" are heard.]
John [EI]: You came on my pillow.... GAAAAAACCCCHHHHHHH..... koff...
Announcer: Thank you.
FINLAND
Written and sung by Michael Palin
[pleasant music plays]
Finland, Finland, Finland
The country where I want to be
Pony trekking or camping
Or just watching TV
Finland, Finland, Finland
It's the country for me
You're so near to Russia
So far from Japan
Quite a long way from Cairo
Lots of miles from Vietnam
Finland, Finland, Finland
The country where I want to be
Eating breakfast or dinner
Or snack lunch in the hall
Finland, Finland, Finland
Finland has it all
You're so sadly neglected
And often ignored
A poor second to Belgium
When going abroad
Finland, Finland, Finland
The country where I quite want to be
Your mountains so lofty
Your treetops so tall
Finland, Finland, Finland
Finland has it all
All together, Finophiles!!
Finland, Finland, Finland
The country where I quite want to be
Your mountains so lofty
Your treetops so tall
Finland, Finland, Finland
Finland has it all
Finland has it all...
If you've enjoyed hearing this song and would like to know more about Finland, why not ring Mr. Griffiths of Hemill-Hampstead? He and his charming wife Edna would be glad to answer any of your questions, and - who knows? - may show you some of their unrivaled collection of Scandinavian credit cards.
I'm So Worried!
Written and sung by Terry Jones
[strings play]
I'm so worried about what's happening today
In the Middle East, you know
And I'm so worried about
The baggage retrieval
System they've got at Heathrow
I'm so worried about the fashions today
I don't think they're good for your feet
And I'm so worried about
The shows on TV
That sometimes they want to repeat
I'm so worried about what's happening today, you know
And I'm worried about
The baggage retrieval
System they've got at Heathrow
I'm so worried about
My hair falling out
And the state of the world today
And I'm so worried about
Being so full of doubt
About everything anyway
I'm so worried about modern technology-y
I'm so worried about all the things that they dump in the sea-ea
I'm so worried about it
Worried about it
Worried, worried, worried...
I'm so worried about
Everything that can go wrong
I'm so worried about
Whether people like this song
I'm so worried about
The very next verse
It isn't the best that I've got
And I'm so worried about whether I should go on
Or whether I shouldn't just stop
...I'm so worried about
Whether I ought to have stopped
And I'm worried because
It's the sort of thing I ought to know
And I'm so worried about
The baggage retrieval
System they've got at Heathrow
...I'm so worried about
Whether I should have stopped then
I'm so worried that I'm
Driving everyone around the bend
I'm worried about
The baggage retrieval
System they've got at Heathrow
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