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(The piece of paper gets shot, and blood is seen around the edges of the letter. A shooter takes a gun, and places it onto the paper. A photographer, voiced by Michael Palin, comes on.)
Photographer: Hold still. (He takes a picture.) Thank you. (Cut to a bride & groom.) Hold still. (SNAP!)Thank you. (The bride and groom walk away, to reveal the bride is wearing a tuxedo, and the groom is wearing a dress. Cut to a landscape with numerous houses on it.) Hold still. (SNAP!) Thank you. (The house grows legs and walks away. A man pokes his head out from the landscape, with badges on his suit. He opens his mouth, and starts eating the landscape. He belches. He rings like an alarm clock, trumpets come out of his ears and sound a song. He buzzes. His hair comes off as if it were plastic and his head explodes. A sign is shown coming out of his head when the explosion clears. It says "BAVARIAN RESTAURANT SKETCH." Cut to a live-action restaurant. A waiter [John Cleese] comes to an American couple.)
Waiter: Good day, madam. Good day, sir.
Man (Graham Chapman): We want to eat, please.
Waiter: Wonderful! A thousand welcomes to the Golden Post.
Man: Ah. We hear that this is a restaurant that's typical of Bavaria and full of local colour.
Waiter: Indeed, sir. This is truly a typical Bavarian restaurant. The food, the wine, above all the service, is traditional beyond good and evil. (He jumps up in the air, and claps his hands.)
Man: What is "beyond good and evil?"
Waiter: It is wonderful!
Man: Good. This is what we're looking for, dear.
Waiter: May we take your coats? (He claps his hands.)
Man: Oh, thank you! (An accordion player plays a traditional Bavarian song, and Michael Palm and Eric Idle, the traditional men, comes down the stairs, involving clapping and slapping their knees. They take the couple's coats.)
Traditional Men: We're taking your coats in Bavaria. Yes, in Bavaria, where the mountains stick out of the ground. (They go back up the stairs.)
Woman: Wonderful! Beautiful!
Waiter: Yes, we're proud that we have more traditions than any other restaurant in Germany. Now, here is your table. (He shows them to their seats. He speaks again.) And now . . . the sitting down of the Americans. (The trad-itional men come and do their same little dance.)
Traditional Men: They're sitting down in Bavaria. Yes, in Bavaria, where the trees are made of wood. (They take out the couple's chairs, and sit them down rather forcefully. They go again.)
Man: This is fantastic!
Waiter: There is even better to come, Daddy-o!
Woman: Wonderful.
Waiter: And now, the traditional bringing of the menus. (The traditional men bring a traditional man, played by Terry Jones.)
Menu Retriever: We're presenting you with the ceremonial menus in Bavaria. Yes, in Bavaria, where the sheep seldom wear spectacles. (He kisses, traditionally, both of them, and he kisses the menu.) Enjoy your meal. (He hits them both with the menu, and slams the menu on the table. Then he puts his fingers up their noses, at least it looks like this: if anyone can prove me otherwise, I would be very interested.) We have given them the menus in Bavaria. Yes, in Bavaria, and not in Venezuela! (The waiter comes back.)
Waiter: You're all right?
Man: Oh, uh, uh, yes fine.
Waiter: They didn't hit you too hard?
Man: Oh, no, no, no.
Waiter: Only it is very traditional. I'm sure you'd like everything to be authentic.
Man: Oh, yes!
Woman: Just wait till we tell them back home! (Water is splashed on her.)
Waiter: A blessing. (He splashes some water on the man.)He then laughs like a maniac, and sticks two knives on the sides of the table.)
Traditional Men: He's made them damp in Bavaria. Yes in Bavaria, and scared them SENSELESS! (They go away.)
Waiter: Now you must order.
Man: Could you recommend something?
Waiter: With pleasure! Well, to begin with I would try Soup a la Clown.
Woman: What is a la Clown?
Waiter: Right in the mush.
Man: Fine!
Waiter: Next, for monsieur, I recommend Prawns Down the Shirt and Wine Sauce and Dill. (The Man shakes his head "Yes.") Uh-huh? And, for madam, I think the same thing, but up the skirt with cream.
Woman: Cream?
Man: Yes.
Woman: Please.
Waiter: And for a main course, I would suggest that monsieur is thrown out of the window with a few sauté potatoes?
Man: Wonderful!
Woman: And for me?
Waiter: For you, I think you should be strapped to the table and beaten about the head with a chicken.
Woman: Okay!
Waiter: And to go with all this, an ice cold bucket of pig's water. (He snaps and the Traditional men come.) Soup a la Clown. Enjoy your meal! (The traditional men take the man and woman's head and dunk it in the soup.) Quick, the towels! (They take some towels and wipe the couples heads with it rather violently, but still joyfully. The men have some prawns.) Down the shirt for monsieur. (They take the prawns and stick them down his shirt.) And for madam, with cream. (They take some cream and put it down her skirt.)
Woman: OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Waiter: Pigs water. (He takes the pig's water and pours it on the woman.) Ice cold. (He pours the other glass of pig's water on the man. ) And now, through the window here. (He is taken very roughly by the traditional men.) And for madam, the chicken-beating! (The traditional men pour ketchup on her. You see more traditional men throw the man out the window.) Sauté potatoes. (The men throw potatoes at the man's corpse. The waiter comes out to the dead body.)And the bill, sir.(Cut to a man walking down the stairs. He finally gets to one of those things German people use to carry people. He goes inside. You hear the sound of a toilet flushing. He walks out. The two men carry it away. Cut to animation of two men carrying it. They go into an elevator. A plane catches them, and the plane is caught by a truck. The truck goes into a tunnel. A train comes out from the tunnel. It passes a landscape. A sign flashes on and off. It says "ENDE". Pull into the landscape. From out of the water comes two scuba divers, carrying the announcer from the beginning of the show, and she is still talking. They put her back to where she was, and they go back to the lake.)
Announcer: They started writing at Oxford and Cambridge and throughout the years have contributed to many British comedy shows. But this is the first time they've all got together to write for German and Austrian television. I7ho hope you enjoyed it. And now, Albrecht Durer.
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