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The First German episode's script is below. It is exclusive to this site.
He flashes it several times. A Dirty old Animated Woman comes to the sign and sees the Dirty old man exposing himself. She looks to see if anybody is looking and flashes the male sign. 
The Man sees her and pokes his head in to see what she's flashing. A heart flies over him. Sappy music follows. He flashes again. She looks, and a heart floats over, the two hearts make one big heart and they flash away into the sunset. A caption on the screen says ENDE. An animated woman, voiced by Michael Palin, comes from the sun, and brushes away the letters.)
In this house lived a humble woodcutter and his wife and their pretty daughter Little Red Riding Hood. (Cut to Little Red Riding Hood played by John Cleese, breaking wood over her knee. 
Cut to the middle of the deep dark forest where a "wolf" that looks more like a puppy.) In the middle of this deep dark forest lived a vicious wolf. (Jarring chord. Two hands pet the "wolf.") One day, Little Red Riding Hood went to take some things to her old Grandmother who lived deep in the forest. (You see Red's eating habits.) 
The vicious wolf saw Little Red Riding Hood. "She looks good to eat." (Two hands keep the "wolf" from running away.) 
"Where are you going, pretty one?" "Kind sir, to my Grandmother's." "Ha, ha, ha!" smirked the wicked wolf, and dashed off to Grandmother's house. (You see a house with smoke coming out of the chimney. The wolf gets led on a leash into Grandmother's house.) Knock, knock went the wicked wolf - the door opened wide. 
It wasn't Grandmother, it was Buzz Aldrin . . . America's Number Two Spaceman! (Buzz comes out, and a crowd claps.) For this wasn't Granny's house, but the headquarters of NASA, the American space research agency. (He puts the American flag into the ground.) 
The wicked wolf was shot by security guards. . . (The "wolf" is dragged inside, and gunshots are heard.). . .the American space program carried on, unmolested by wolves and other forest animals intent on damaging American prestige (The Star Spangled Banner plays.) at a time when development of inter-space communications is of vital strategic and political significance in the free world.(Zoom in on the flag. Cut to Little Red walking through the forest.) Little Red Riding Hood had her arms so full of flowers she didn't notice the approach of Heinz (Heinz is played by Terry Jones, and standing behind a tree.) the Stuttgart Rapist. Poor Heinz, with his bad eyes. Already he had assaulted seven pine trees that morning. How pleased he was to find something that moved. (You hear Little Red Riding Hood being molested by Heinz, while we see the trees. Than you pull down from the trees and see Heinz hanging from one.) Poor Heinz. But soon all the other rapists in the forest heard of his plight and came from near and far (you see many rapists come from near and far) to cut him down. (Cut to another section of the forest.) So all was quiet in the forest again. 
The humble woodcutter and his wife sold their story to Der Spiegel for 40,000 DM. NASA agreed to limit the use of chemical propellants in unmanned launchings from Granny's house. (Some of the cottage blows up and so does the flag. 
Cut to an airplane.) Little Red Riding Hood became Telefunken's sales rep to the United Arab Republic, where she lives in Cairo's El Akra district. (See Little Red Riding Hood carrying a suitcase, where she sees a Dirty Man, played by Terry Jones.)
Olasen, the Silly Swedish Gold Medallist, is in the rear lane. (The starter shoots his gun, and they all race in different directions. Cut to another field.) And now the next final, the 5000 meters for the deaf. (The starter shoots his gun, and the runners all stay there. Cut to a swimming pool.)Now the 2000 meters breaststroke for non-swimmers. (The swimmers jump into the pool and don't get out.) We'll be bringing you back here when they fish out the corpses Now over to the sign of the marathon for incontinent people. There's an enormous entry this year: 44 competitors from 29 countries, all with weak bladders, ready for the world's longest race and aching to go! (The starter's pistol goes off, and the competitors all go for the toilet. Cut back to the 5000 meters for the deaf.) A second start for the deaf.(The starter yells at the runners. He fires his pistol 4 times, and none of the competitors move. The starter throws his gun to the ground. Cut to a woman jumping.) We see the German reverse tower jumpers.(We see stock film of a woman falling off a tower turned backwards. Cut to a bunch of men acting like chickens.) And here's the 3000 meters for men who think they're chickens. It's been a slow race so far. 
This is the third day, we expect a result in 5 weeks. One snag has been that Abe Seagl, the Canadian champion spotted some corn and they've been pecking away ever since. The British hope, Martin Anthill, started well, but has now settled on the waterjump. (Cut to a man hatching eggs. 
Cut back to the deaf race.) Although the starter at the 5000 meters has tried machine gun, cannon, nothing will get these men moving. Now he's going to show them. (The starter goes to the middle of the field, and holds up the sign. The deaf run over him. Cut to the marathon for incontinents.) The marathon incontinents are on the road, led by Ian McKellan. (He goes into the grass.) No, Sven Bordlander. No, Kwame N'Boko. No, Manuel Gonzales. No, Ferenc Kocsis.(The announcer goes on and on while the incontenents are still going into the grass.) We leave this event to see the finish of the 1500 meters for people and their mothers. (Cut to a filled with racers, and their mothers.) And in the last 200 meters, Lungis and his mother are at the back because she had to go shopping. Pirelli's mother took her shoes off, her feet were killing her. (A hammer lands.) The hammer that has just landed came from the Throwing the Hammer at America event. (A man throws a hammer. The hammer lands in a Western setting. A man played by Eric Idle comes out of a saloon. A voice is heard.)
Announcer: Albrecht Durer, 1471-1530, the Nuremberg cowpuncher and deputy sheriff of Dodge City. [BEEP!] (Cut again to the man behind the desk.) Mar behind desk: Stop that! I've already said that there'll be no further attempts to do a LIFE AND TIMES OF ALBRECHT DURER. That's been totally abandoned. Now let's have some proper entertainment, like a panel game. (Cut to the Western background. There sits a desk with John Cleese, the host, and Mr. Schultz, played by Michael Palin.)
